there's an overwhelming wave of emotions;
first the confusion, a numb disbelief.
then the panic sets in.
next the anger rises and soon flares to an overspilling boil
complete with swearing and the need to hit something.
that may last the longest especially if you try to douse the flame
but the pent up rage only burns on.
after that the energy is gone.
and you're left feeling fed up.
your limbs get heavier and heavier
and there's the depression and sadness of it.
frustration may burble its way back up
but by the end you'll be so worn out in defeat you'll be back to disbelief
and finally hostile acceptance,
realizing there is nothing you can possibly do despite the desperate want and will for it not to be so.
a breath. a sigh.
a few silent tears after the hot ones of fury,
and then sleep.
because nothing else can take your mind off it,
and, exhausted, you know it is the closing of the book of unwanted end as you, with bile in mouth, accept the loss.
you will try tomorrow to build it back up,
though you know it will never be the same,
never as great,
and so the numbness fades and the bitterness latches onto you, settling down for good and ever.
the before is gone,
and what will be is not what would have been,
which is the most agonizing fact of all.